1000 Pieces

“When we long for a life without…difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure”

Peter Marshall

So now I’m standing at the crossroads and I’m really looking for some signposts here….do I stay in Auckland for a while longer? Do I look for jobs in Tga? Is it too soon? Why wait? Michael is keen. So am I, so what’s stopping me from just going for it? I need some guidance, that’s what I need. I am ready to move away from my present employment, given the unhealthy behaviours that I’ve seen there. These are behaviours which have become embedded over time and stem from God knows how many unhealthy people getting away with working in unhealthy ways for years, and it’s all been allowed to continue for far too long. Now it seems almost impossible to stop, and I don’t want to be a part of it any more. I was in an unhealthy place and relationship when I started there, and I have to leave it behind. I can’t fix it, it’s too much for me. I’m still recovering from what Greg did to me and I need some peace. I KNOW that there’s a better place for me to be. It’s just that there are no opportunities for me – I still have 2 mortgages and I have to live.

Christina was a signpost for me, I guess, and pointed me to a good place, and Julia has put a thought into my head which I will act on today  but it would be really nice to just know what I need to do…..

Update: March, 2009.

A settlement conference was scheduled for March 2^nd, 2009. Neither my lawyer nor I expected G to settle. I questioned the value of such a conference, but was told that it is a mandatory part of the process which precedes a hearing, and hopefully negates the necessity for one.

I have never felt so anxious. I would be confronted with two things I find very stressful: confrontation and G himself. His lawyer demanded half of everything on his client’s behalf, and intimated that G could be entitled to even more. G had been drinking, I could tell. He wasn’t shaking, and was very relaxed and confident, even smug. He had a bottle of what appeared to be water with him, but was instructed by his lawyer to drink the water supplied by the court which stood in a carafe with glasses on the conference table. The judge acted as facilitator, rather than decision maker, clarifying points of law and maintaining control of the proceedings. Amounts of money for the purposes of a pay out were traded back and forth, I conferred with my lawyer, he with his. More haggling ensued. The judge left the room, unimpressed with the “horse-trading”. The amounts began to favour me more and more, and then it was over. He had settled. I was to pay him one lump sum, and then he would disappear from my life. I exited the doors of the court and felt reborn. I had lost money but regained my self respect and dignity. And I kept my house. My father has helped me as much as he is able, and I have the continued support of my friends. I’m pretty broke, but I’m rich.

For the longest time, I could spy only the smallest glimmer of light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. But I’m through and although the light is still very bright, I’m getting used to it.

I’m free.

The judge sat on the bench on June 4^th 2008, the day of the protection order hearing and said that he had never come across anything like this before, and ordered G out of the house on June 6^th, 2008. That day is etched in my mind for ever. After the hearing G tried to negotiate, cajole, threaten and manipulate me into giving him “a few more days” to get out of the house but now that I had the backing of the court, I refused. It felt so good after so many years of feeling so weak. I said no to him time and time again. On June 6^th, I came home from work and the house was quiet. It was peaceful. It was a Friday, so I had the weekend to wander around the house, getting to know it again after having stayed in motels. I cleaned. On Monday I had the locks changed. On Tuesday I sent all his stuff to his mother’s house, where he had gone. I have not heard from him directly, although litigation is ongoing. I could still lose this house. But what I have gained is worth far more than all the money in the world.

G is still drinking. He has been in trouble with the police since he has lived at this mother’s home. Now I understand that it wasn’t my fault. It was easy to blame myself, because the drinking did get worse over time, so it seemed to be because of me. But it wasn’t. This is just the nature of addiction. It gets worse over time. It sneaks up on the addict and on those who live with him/her. It’s like riding a bike up a hill – as the hill gradually gets harder to climb, you change gears on your bike to accommodate the steeper gradient and for a while, it seems manageable. But eventually, you run out of gears and you just have to get off the bike and walk away. It’s not your fault that that you can’t get up the hill, it’s not that the bike isn’t well made, it’s just that the hill got too steep to climb.

I’m still fighting him legally and there’s a chance that I’ll get to keep my home, but I don’t know. All I know is that I’m happier, stronger and that I’ll be OK. I’ll be just fine.

Work was a sanctuary for me. I continued to perform well there because although my colleagues didn’t know the whole story, they did know enough about my situation to realise that it was unpleasant. The support I got was amazing. Most of it was subtle, wordless support. It should not surprise anyone that I work with women. I felt safe there.

My girlfriends were an unbelievable network of strength around me. G had tried his best to isolate me from them, but had never quite succeeded. I advise any woman in any kind of abusive relationship never, ever to allow their partner to alienate them from their friends. In a situation where a person is involved with an alcoholic, it’s very easy to become isolated as the nature of the addiction is such that it needs an enabler, a person that unquestioningly supports the addict. Having friends outside the situation puts the addict at risk of having his or her addiction confronted and questioned, not something he or she wants.